Several weeks ago in our AP English
class we participated in an activity that had to do with us gauging our own
personalities on a chart. Initially I was quite skeptical regarding its effectiveness.
It seemed to me that our own judgment on the matter would be quite flawed. Human
beings are clouded mirrors. They seldom see themselves for what they truly are.
Beyond the subconscious editing that goes on, social pressure does a lot to suppress
honesty that we were striving for. In a situation where the opinions of others
came into the equation, posturing would surely follow, I thought. And the
facades people create seldom reflect their true intentions. But I was intrigued
none the less because regardless some interesting traits would come to light,
and often times the realist truths are found between the lines and in the
negative space. First we answered questions on our own personal limits and the
boundary lines of our morality, having to do with where our own lines in the
sand were on deception, murder, and the worst thing we could do to another
human being. It was a good first step towards introspection, but also fairly
hypothetical. Afterwards we were told to place ourselves somewhere on an X Y
chart. Each axis represented a gradient of a trait; serpent to angel was the
level at which someone engaged in deception or honesty and lion to lamb based
on their capacity for violence. Which quadrant you placed yourself in would
signify your proclivity towards two of those traits. And this is where the conflict started.
Initially
I placed myself in the angel-lion quadrant, leaning fairly heavily towards a
capacity for violence and a thirst for the truth. But here is where the real
thinking set in. My ability for violence was firmly rooted in experience and of
that I was sure, however of my honesty I was not so sure. I chose angel because
of my intellectual desire for knowledge and the exposition of truth. In a conscious
sense I always strive for reality, equality, and openness on a meaningful
scale. But the more I thought about it the more I realized that even if you are
internally guided by the truth, you don’t necessarily practice it. Even the
best intentions can be darkened by the shadows. I came to grip with that in my
day to day life, more often than not I practice some form of deception. Not in
a malicious manner, but in the sense that I understand situations in a way that
allows me to gently pilot them to my own goals, or the easiest resolution
possible. Being an introvert, there is a secret pleasure from keeping your
cards to your chest and watching from sheltered safety as the iridescent
threads you tugged guide situations to a close in the manner you were hoping
for. And that’s just my personality. I don’t exploit it for vitriolic reasons,
but that’s just the way I am. And in making this revelation I came to a second
one. I was able to honestly acknowledge my darker manipulative side and
understand it within the context of my personality as a whole. Maybe that
honesty means something too. All in all I probably cannot place myself in a
honest or dishonest bracket, but I did learn some stuff from this experiment
and I definitely think it was worthwhile. But it turns out people are kinda
complicated after all.
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